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Being An Old Soul

If I have to describe myself, I think the words OLD  SOUL fit me the most. Even though I like to put on a tough look, I actually feel left out almost as often. I also often feel misunderstood and find myself in a tough spot to explain myself, but explaining myself is so hard! So I give up and then feel left out again. Maybe because of that, I often feel miserable and lonely. I want a company of someone who can feel me completely, so bad! That's how desperate I am.

Ask people around me what kind of person I am! I am sure they will say that I am cheerful and nice to be around with, I could say I am a quite good company because I have high level of empathy.
Maybe that's why I'm quite popular among my students (pure narcissism).
That's what other people are saying and I actually want to believe it. But, I can't help but wonder whether what they say was true or not. I also often find myself insincere towards others, so when people say nice things to me, I also wonder if it is insincere. Just a sugar coating words.

People might enjoy my company, and I don't mind to be around them. But I always feel that something is missing from me. The more I am with other people, the more I feel that I also need a company of someone who will understand me easily, someone whom their company is enjoyable for me. I want to say things freely without being misunderstood or having myself explaining things to other people about what I actually meant.

After accompanying others, I will feel exhausted and shut myself in my room. Sometimes it takes a few days. Some people might think I'm weird, but that is really necessary for me. It's like a healing time for me, so that I can accompany other people the next day. But the thing is, sometimes people don't understand the importance of having some times alone for myself and keep forcing themselves to me. It's really tiring.

Yeah, I know I sound so dramatic. But this is a loop that I can't escape from, it's really tiring but I somehow think that this is also necessary for me.
I just hope I can find someone who can feel and understand me completely someday. I hope.

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